Missed me?

Yeah, I figured as much. But in case you did and were wondering what the hell happened to me, I got real busy with leaving my old job, getting a new one and learning the ropes over here at Twentieth Century Fox. The upshot is, lucky for you, I'm back and making a concerted effort to yap at ya as much as I can in the future. The catch (and there's always a catch) is that I will be doing so from my new hotspot at MySpace, the NewsCorp owned internet community that took the teenage world by storm. So for the time being, you can get your regular Ben fix, including random Sox rants, postings of columns that I dig, movie reviews or even--dare I say it?--Inane Query Letters here!...and if this doesn't work out or MySpace totally ends up sucking or I can't bear to leave behind the lovely decor or cozy surroundings of Blogspot, I could be back here soon. Or never. Who knows?

Week 3 Pigskin Pick ‘em

OK, so perhaps I overestimated my pick proficiency in last week’s column. Maybe, maaaaaaybe I hadn’t exactly picked every game correct from week one, so perhaps, perhaaaaaaaps my drop-off to week two wasn’t quite as precipitous as it would appear on first glance. Maybe, just maybe, perhaps these first two weeks of the NFL season have been so back-asswards with erstwhile contenders (I’m looking at you, Minnesota) falling to supposed pretenders (Ladies and Gentlemen, your division leading Tampa Bay Bucs!) that I consider myself lucky to have picked 6 out 16 games—especially when “experts” like SI’s Peter King go 4-12. But perhaps, just perhaps, maybe this week will be the one where things quit being so unpredictable, play quality increases, the good teams really start to separate from the bad teams, and my 3-game parlay pays off at a cool 6.5:1. Perhaps.

All gambling hopes aside (though I will be going with the Thursday lines on which I placed my wagers), please enjoy this week’s picks (Home team in CAPS):

Tennessee (+6.5) over ST. LOUIS – The immutable gambling law of Martz will trump any losses the Titans have incurred in their recent time in salary cap hell.

Jacksonville (+3) over N.Y. JETS – Sports Guy said it best: “We need to break out the radar gun for some of these Chad Pennington throws—it’s like watching Johnny Damon trying to reach second base from the warning track at Yankee Stadium”. Seriously, it’s not like Pennington had a gun to begin with, but after his shoulder problems last season, he’s totally helpless back there. Methinks it won’t be long before one of Jets’ fans biggest fears is realized as the words “Jay Fiedler is warming up on the sidelines” is shouted by an overenthusiastic Fox color man. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

PHILLY (-8) over Oakland – OK, OK…I realize that picking the Niners to cover against the Iggles last week was a stupid move, alright? Let a man make a mistake, you fuggin’ jackals!!! By the way, this is the first of three games that are on my parlay card.

CHICAGO (+3) over Cincinnati – Classic letdown game for the Bungles, who owe their 2-0 record as much to the quality (or lack thereof) of their competition (Vikes, Brownies) as they do to their own offensive prowess. Also, thanks to the return of safety extraordinaire Mike Brown, the Bears defense is that good.

New Orleans (+4) over MINNESOTA – The Saints are the official new Road Warriors of the NFL, and until the City of New Orleans agrees to build a new stadium after the Hurricane Katrina clean up is complete, I will maintain my slim hopes that the team will end up in it’s rightful new home: Los Angeles. C’mon, think about it! Where else do Saints belong besides the City of Angels? LA has been begging for a team since the Raiders and Rams skipped town in the early 90’s and Saints’ owner Tom Benson has no love lost with the government of New Orleans. Plus, don’t they have bigger things to worry about rebuilding than a new state-of-the-art stadium for a mediocre team in a less-than Top 30 market? Really, the reasons are innumerable. Really. It’s gotta happen.

Carolina (-3) over MIAMI – Just when you thought, after their big week one win over Denver, that the ‘Phins were ready for a surge, somebody accidentally let Gus Frerotte walk in front of a mirror. Finally realizing who he was, Frerotte played a god-awful game against an average Jets team and Miami was sunk. This is the second of three games that I’m parlaying.

INDIANAPOLIS (-13.5) over Cleveland – OK, so the Colts have a defense now. Big whoop. They still can’t play in snow, so they still won’t be able to beat the Pats, Stillers, or the rest of the AFC elite unless they get homefield advantage through the playoffs. Which they might. Shit.

GREEN BAY (+3.5) over Tampa Bay – This is a classic hunch pick for me, which usually means that I’ll either get it totally wrong, or it will be the only pick of the week that I actually get right. Either way, I’m effed, so why not just make the pick, right? Tampa’s not as good as they’ve looked, not with Brian Griese, the man who was unseated by Jake the Snake in Denver, at QB. And the Pack isn’t nearly as bad as they’ve looked…as long as they put the ball in Ahman Green and Najeh Davenport’s hands about 35 times. Otherwise, this could be a blowout. Or a nailbiter. I don’t know.

BUFFALO (-3) over Atlanta – Gimpy Vick + suffocating Bills D = big win for the home team. Not enough of a lock to garner a spot on the parlay, but enough to make me bench Vick this week in Fantasy Football in place of (gulp) Kurt Warner. And speaking of which…

Arizona (+6) over SEATTLE – It’s really hard to fathom which team’s collapse was more painful to watch last week. Arizona’s meltdown at the end of the game (Warner getting sacked with 20 seconds left, in the opposing red zone, then inexplicably choosing not to spike the ball, attempting to call and run a play, an O-Lineman getting called for a false start, leading to a 10-second run-off and the end of the game) was certainly more sudden, but the ‘Hawks near meltdown (after building a 21-point first half lead, they allowed the Falcons to score 18 unanswered points and come within a Mike Vick hammy pull of coming all the way back). I guess this week will provide the ultimate test of NFC West futility, and to be honest, it’s lookin’ dicey.

New England (+3) over PITTSBURGH – Yeah, so, I’m a Homer. What’s it to ya? GO PATS!!!

Dallas (-6.5) over SAN FRANCISCO – Fine. I’ve learned my lesson. No more “Awful team plus the points over the better team that lost a heartbreaker last week” for me. Thanks a lot, Niners.

N.Y. Giants (+6) over SAN DIEGO – Until Marty Schottenheimer proves that he’s relearned how to utilize the two most potent red zone weapons in football (LaDanian Tomlinson & Antonio Gates), I won’t give him change for a twenty nevermind 6 points on a nationally televised game against a resurgent Giants’ defense. By the way, that coughing sound you hear is Marty choking away another promising season by playcalling too tight after getting beaten in the playoffs the year before.

Kansas City (+3) over DENVER – Jake the Snake! Jake the Snake! This is the third of three picks on my Sunday parlay. KC is getting three full points against a Denver team that, just a week ago, was manhandled by the Gus Frerotte-led Dolphins in Miami. Yes, that is two Gus Frerotte references in one column (OK, now 3). Does this make me obsessed? Fine, then I’m obsessed. Even still, in Priest “John” Holmes and Larry “Gramama” Johnson, the Chiefs have the absolute best 1-2 running back combo in the NFL and will run roughshod over a Denver D-Line that is comprised entirely of Cleveland Brown castaways. It’s gonna be brutal.

Last Week: 6-10 (37.5%)
Overall: 6-10 (37.5%)

Inane Query Letter of the Week #24

Now, as some of you know, I normally prefer to refrain from pointing out the grammatical and contextual foibles of the international entrants into our weekly Inane Query Letter contest. They obviously don’t realize, I reason, how offensive/ridiculous certain aspects of their pitch may sound to a politically-conscious liberal-minded fellow like myself. Probably, this lack of understanding is on account of the inadequate education they received in their substandard foreign schools, or possibly because too little attention was paid, when learning from their local wiseman or shaman or whatever, to the more subtle intricacies of the English language. Perhaps they are too busy building pipe bombs or running their Laundromat or selling oranges by the freeway on-ramp to run a grammar check. Who’s to say?

Suffice it to say that I will continue to turn a blind eye to the unfamiliar syntax of their pidgin English and be accepting of the most bizarre and incongruous storylines that the international community has to offer. Really, it’s the least I can do, especially considering that most of them have to live in shoddy mud huts with leaky thatched roofs, hunt and forage for their food and constantly worry about being ritualistically sacrificed to a pagan fertility goat god anyway.

So now, on with the show:

Logline: Hip Antichrist visits the ghetto!

Synopsis: Hip Antichrist (or) Harlem Antichrist

This hilarious comedy is about Damien, Lucifer’s offspring, who suddenly drops in Harlem from the sky like bird poop. His intension is to corrupt the ghetto and take it over for his father’s kingdom from the threat of spiritual growth.

Damien enlists the ridiculous services of three delinquents to find a spiritual man-Reverend Kinsley-and pin his buttocks with a serpent ornament to corrupt his being thus scarring spiritual revivals among black folks beyond repair.

Through out the movie, falsehoods of many religious, money hungry, sexually perverse and pretentious clergy are revealed. Are they not blindly following Damien?

This comedy will leave everyone laughing and thinking about the current state of spiritual affairs. The complete script is available upon request.

Sincerely,

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT THE STUPID

Thursday Ramblings

Clearly, after my triumphant double-headed return to the blogosphere last week, I needed a break from the action. Get my sealegs back and all that. So I’m back late on Thursday evening, with a few thoughts from the past week. If you’re interested in what piques the fancy of my twisted little mind, please read on; if not, please feel free to return to your around the clock The Sky Is Falling coverage on the cable news channel of your choice…

-Isn’t it nice to return to a little bit of the normalcy we’ve all be craving, Sox fans? We are not the type for parades and talk show appearances and Queer Eye episodes, are we now? We are slowly drink ourselves to death at the end of the bar types of people, are we not?

-Y’all see that Jet Blue flight’s emergency landing at LAX last night? Crazy shit. Is it weird that my first thought when it happened was “All Jet Blue flights have DirecTV at your seat…all the people on the plane are watching MSNBC, just like me, aren’t they?” Nah, didn’t think so.

-Another hurricane? Now, after only like 3 weeks? Come on! Can’t we get a freak blizzard or another tsunami or something, mix it up a little bit? Am I going to Hell now?

-“Miss Moss, we appreciate all you’ve done since you started with H & M to keep that classic 10-year-old boyish figure of yours…but drugs!?!? Cocaine!?! That is simply unacceptable! Your services are no longer needed, I’m afraid. Now get back out there, stick a couple fingers down your throat, wrap this bathmat around you and try to make some teenage girls wanna kill themselves, ok?”

-Just when you think you’ve seen it all on the internet…along comes this guy. And then you think to yourself “Goddammit, why did I have to keep looking for more shit on the internet.”

-Yes, Jaime, I know, I owe you a Tony Danza or 7. It’s coming back next week, I promise. Now please stop calling my house and leaving clips from “Taxi” on my voicemail.

-Man, I sure can pick those NFL games, huh? More on that tomorrow.

Week 2 Pigskin Pick ‘em

Sign #2 that my return to the blogosphere will be a thrilling success: As soon as I put the finishing touches on this week’s IQLW, I was immediately seized by a tremendous feeling of regret: not only had I withheld for nearly a month from you, my loyal readers, the Greatest Weekly Feature in the History of the Interweb (vote tabulation pending), but I had also failed to offer my expert football picks for the NFL’s Week One. Ye Gods!

Well rest assured, I was conscious enough of my duties to keep track of my picks throughout the weekend (in my head, natch) and, to nobody’s surprise, I was absolutely flawless in deciphering the winners (and correct point spreads) of the sixteen NFL games last weekend! Yes, a perfect 16-0 against the spread last weekend with my only close call being the City Formerly Known As New Orleans Saints eking out a 3-point victory as time expired against the Carolina Panthers. Of course, I knew that would happen; I just wanted things to seem more dramatic.

So without further ado, and building on my unmitigated success of last week, please enjoy this week’s picks (Home team in CAPS):

Pittsburgh (-6) over HOUSTON
Minnesota (+3) over CINCY
N.Y. JETS (-6) over Miami
Detroit (-1.5) over CHICAGO
Baltimore (-3.5) over TENNESSEE
San Fran (+13) over PHILLY
INDY (-9) over Jax
Buffalo (+2.5) over TAMPA
Pats (-3) over CAROLINA
SEATTLE (-1) over Atlanta
‘ZONA (-1) over St. Louis
San Diego (+3) over DENVER
Cleveland (+6) over GREEN BAY
K.C. (-1) over OAKLAND
Washington (+6) over DALLAS
Nawlins (+3) over N.Y. GIANTS

Last Week: 16-0 (100%)
Overall: 16-0 (100%)

Inane Query Letter of the Week #23

Much time has passed since I last posted, and I must say that demand for fresh material has been…well, ok not overwhelming. But it is good know that SOME of you care enough about this little ol’ blog space to voice complaints about it’s absence. I must admit, I bit off more than I could chew in trying to transform this site into a frequently updated, clever and informative news source, completely eschewing my original promise of mundanity, infrequency and irrelevance. And for this, I am truly truly sorry.

Needless to say, the last few weeks have been tough here in the NMTE offices. Ever since Smokey the Chimp’s tragic mauling at the hands of Dastardly Dave of the Bandwith Police, I’ve found it harder and harder to work up the energy, enthusiasm and biting cleverness needed to keep this space afloat. I have suffered from a near-lethal cocktail of stressful job-related issues, a marked increase in my own job hunt incidence and a general lackadaisical outlook towards the site.

Well, dear reader, as I type these words, I am happy to report that the spell has been broken. My concern for all matters at my current job has evaporated like the pestilence-tainted waters of the French Quarter, and though my quest for more rewarding employment continues unabated, the veil of indifference towards this space has lifted from afore mine eyes.

And it is all thanks to this week’s edition of The Inane Query Letter of the Week:

A lonely writer sits waiting for his idea to sell, until he decides on a desperate plan.

Genre: Drama

David sits alone, night after night, writing the TV series that's going to make him famous. But, no matter what he tries, all his efforts fail. Then to top everything off, lung cancer comes knocking on his door.

Now time is running out and David takes desperate action. It's time to do or die...

I would like to submit A Story That Will Never Be Told for your consideration and can be contacted as listed below.

Yours Sincerely

NAME WITHELD TO PROTECT THE STUPID

Sometimes the jokes just make themselves for you. And a screenplay entitled “A Story That Will Never Be Told”…well, let’s just say that this is the kind of softball I needed coming back after such a long layoff. Thank you, anonymous idiot, for lining me up for a triumphant return to the blogging spotlight. And might I just say, in reference to your unfortunate title: I’ll drink to that!

Happy Friday, folks! See you soon!

The Return of the Blog?

As any regular visitor to this site has noticed, it’s been about a week since I’ve posted anything, an abnormally long stretch for a serial blogger such as myself. I will only say that since my reclassification of the site to encompass a more frequently updated, sports-themed milieu, I had foolishly become so overwhelmed with my own great expectations that I needed to make a clean break. I knew, of course, when I decided to take some time off from the site, that something would eventually bring me back and remind me of why I started this whole experiment in the first place.

Below is an e-mail sent from a media company in India to multiple film distributors in the U.S., including yours truly. It is being presented to you, the reader, completely uncut and/or edited. If this isn’t a sign that my presence is required to bring important information like this to you, I don’t know what is.

So please, accept this as an apology for the unexcused absence, as a substitution for the absent Inane Query Letter last week, and as an announcement of my triumphant if more sporadic return to the blogosphere. Also, if you happen to find any film projects that fall under the rubric of #3 or #8, please PLEASE let me know so I can pass the information along to our Indian friends immediately. Enjoy:

Dear Sir,

We are interested to buy Theatrical Rights of English Feature Films for territory of India preferably of the Following Categories:-

1. Emotional subjects capable to bring tears in the eyes of cinegoers.(Tears jerker)

2. Emotional subjects due to terrifying, injustice being done on innocent characters, unnecessary harassing innocent character.

3. Sensual, Hard Hitting Film on Rape

4. Extra-Martral Relation

5. Lesbians

6. Sex-Comedy

7. Film of Creatures / Animals

8. Any Sex-subjects, based on good subjects, justifying the Sex & Nudity scenes, Sex & Nudity scenes should not be enforced unnecessarily, but there must be reasonable sex and nudity sequences.

9. Sex-Educational subjects (In this category film may be Fature or
Documentary).

Emotional subjects in India has better chance to run, so any film having above mentioned category having Emotion / Strong current of heart-filling will be preferred. Animal / Creature films having emotion is required. We will also welcome any new subjects from your side.

When Gammo Speaks…

In his latest column, baseball HOF sportswriter/NMTE man-crush Peter Gammons just barely scratches the surface of the runaway Rookie of the Year race (The Astros' Willy Tavares in the NL; either Nick Swisher or Huston Street of the A's in the AL) and focuses instead on which of today's young players will have the biggest career impact in the long term (including Red Sox stud rookie Jonathan "Applebong" Papelbon, who I had the distinct pleasure to see pitch on Sunday in Anaheim--more on that later). As usual, he is exceedingly comprehensive—speaking to "nearly 70 general managers, front office officials, scouts, managers and coaches"—and knowledgeable, not only breaking down the potential top ten stars of tomorrow but also filling in the blanks that (in his opinion) the insiders missed. This is classic Gammons: in a completely non-condescending way, he tosses in a throwaway line like:

"Braves third baseman Andy Marte, Detroit right-hander Justin Verlander, White Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy and Minnesota's Scott Baker might have shown up on more [ballots] had they not been sent back to the minors."

which might as well have just read:

"Most respondents forgot about the really good players that were around earlier but got sent down. Tsk Tsk."

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I love that shit! Gammons knows young players (as he has for years) better than their own bosses do! Give 'em hell, Pete!

Sod Off!

Step right up, Red Sox fans, for the gouging of a lifetime: for the low low price of $150, you can be the proud owner of an 18” x 9” fragment of World Championship sod from last year’s pre-renovation infield at Fenway Park. Hey, that’s only 140 bucks more than they charge for those idiotic ID cards! What a steal!

NMTE (Late) Morning Roundup

Reporting to you at the crack of noon, here's what's happenin' in the world today:

As Smokey the Chimp was good enough to fill you all in on, the Royals’ March towards Ultimate Futility™ was thwarted by a cathartic 2-game winning streak against the suddenly sinking Oakland A’s. With 19 straight losses, the Royals fell just two losses short of the ’88 Orioles American League record of 21 (which the Oreos lost to start the season mind you) and 7 short of the all-time record, a 26 game streak by those lovable losers the Louisville Colonels in 1889. The good news for the Royals is that the streak is over; the bad news is that the first-place Sox come to town today aimin’ to start them on a new one.

And when the Sox and Royals kick off the series tonight in KC, the Sox will be welcoming a familiar face from the PawSox back to the lineup and inserting another from the bullpen into his customary role as staff ace. Curt Schilling’s return to the rotation marks the end of a tumultuous though not all together unsuccessful (the team was 16-5 in games in which he pitched from the ‘pen) experiment. Schill is slated to start on Thursday. And after a successful, albeit short, rehab assignment in Pawtucket, Trot Nixon will rejoin the team today in KC. No word yet as to whether Trotsky will be starting his first game back or will sit a day before being activated. Quite obviously, this is a big series for these two key components of last years championship team to reacquaint themselves to their typical roles…and honestly, what better team to get up to speed against than the rudderless Royals. Welcome back, boys.

TMQ is back with his NFC preview column today, guaranteeing the daily loss of thousands of manhours of work throughout the offices of America in deference to 14 riveting pages of cheerbabe pictures, cognomen conjecture and Star Trek gossip…oh, and football.

And finally...

Thunder clap. One month after having taken down its seventh victory in the Turn of France this summer, Lance Armstrong, reprocessed young person, reconsiders the front of the scene. But it is this time question of doping.

Please please PLEASE take a moment out of your busy day to read this Babelfish translation of a report from the French newspaper L’Equipe regarding an alleged positive test for the drug EPO by 7-time Tour de France winner/Sheryl Crow boner/”reprocessed young person” Lance Armstrong. You won’t regret it.

Smokey the Chimp's (Late) Morning Roundup

Reporting to you at the crack of noon, here's what's happenin' in the world today:
Hey folks, Smokey the Chimp here. It was a rough weekend here at NMTE as my rally monkey brethren gave the Sox and their fans all they could handle in Anaheim for the past couple of days. Needless to say, Ben is feeling a bit under the weather this morning and has asked me to fill in the gaps while he recuperates. Let’s go to the headlines!

The Royals followed up their 19-game losing streak snapping win against the A’s on Saturday with a dramatic extra innings win on Sunday. Somewhere Mickey Tettleton, Billy Ripkin and Joe Orsulak are weeping into their hands.

I just drafted Lawrence Phillips onto my fantasy football team...is that a bad thing?

Young Eli Manning’s elbow injury, sustained in the second quarter of the Giants’ preseason game against the Panthers, is just “a sprain and a bruise” according to Giants coach Tom Coughlin, ending speculation that Manning’s injury could be worse than it is. Manning’s status, says Coughlin, is “week to week”.

The Yankees Randy Johnson gave up 4 home runs in one inning, including to three consecutive batters—Tad Iguchi, Aaron Rowand and Paul Konerko—in a 6-2 loss to the White Sox on Sunday that dropped them 4 games behind the AL East leading Red Sox.

And speaking of those Red Sox…meh, I’ll let Ben take care of that when he’s back.

That’s my time, folks. Enjoy Dexy’s Midnight Runners.